A Phoenix Struggling to be Reborn

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It was something I had never truly admitted to anyone, but even though I was a sure win for class valedictorian and a variety of other accolades, I found myself growing emptier and more apathetic about my life with each passing day.  Nothing was exciting or motivational for me anymore, and I spent much of my free time roaming around the school grounds alone while everybody else had class.  When I expressed my frustration at my sudden disinterest in anything that surrounded me one afternoon, saying that I didn’t want to be me anymore, my journalism coach simply told me that other people would die to have the life I’ve had; and I had to look down and bite my lip to stop myself from saying I think I’d die by having the life I’ve had.

There was no single moment in which I decided that I would be moving to Iloilo; it was a simple tightness in my heart that increased every day, beating to the rhythm of I want out, I want out, I don’t want to be here anymore until I simply couldn’t handle the pain of it.  I needed change so much that I ached for it,  I was so desperate for action that I was pained by the loss of it,  I was longing so much for a fresh start that I felt like I’d rather burn to ashes than stay in the same place that I started in.

And perhaps that’s the real objective of this story that I’m trying to tell – it’s not so much about my depression as it is a fact that I wanted to overcome it, and it’s not so much about getting sympathy as it is the need for you to understand that I’m unwilling to accept stagnancy.  I get restless without something to do, reckless without something to achieve.  Going to school in Iloilo, in one of the most prestigious science high schools in the country, was a choice driven equally by my desire to be with my best friend and by my need to have a restart, to have the power to say From now on, I aspire to become more than what I am – to become a phoenix reborn instead of the ashes I left behind.

There are people who are smarter than me, faster than me, better than me in almost every aspect; that’s a fact that I don’t have the arrogance to attempt to disprove.  But I dare say that there isn’t a majority of people who can say that they’re more resilient than I am,  more determined than I am, who have the ability to bounce back with the awareness that I can achieve better with the promise of tomorrow.

To fall, to fly; it makes no difference to me.  One day, I will soar.

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